My De-Conversion Story: The Becoming Part (Part 2)

My De-Conversion Story: The Becoming Part (Part 2)

In my post “My De-Conversion Story part 1” I give words to why I am no longer a Christian.  I highly recommend reading it first.

The ending of that post makes it sound as if it was a done deal once I walked out the doors of the old Nunnery turned Catholic School Offices.  But it was not.   

When I walked out into the sun that day I was giddy with sudden freedom. It was pure delight.  For months and months afterward the delight was so palpable I would practically giggle when I thought about it.  Sure it left a theological mess, but whenever something came up, like why I still tithed or why certain ethical issues still mattered I would just lay it aside and know I could come back to that later.  For most the rest of that year (2012) all I knew, or wanted to know, was that I was free from Christianity as a Religion.  But I still believed in the existence of a God whose essence was love. And I believed that God would catch me on the other side of the adventure I was embarking on. 

~ I Needed Time to Shed Layer Upon Layer ~

Eventually the last of my intellectual honesty caught up with me. Here is an excerpt from a very raw and intense letter I wrote to one of my Graduate professors.

“… This fall and winter the delight has slowly been replaced by overwhelming uncertainty and skepticism.  The idea of rejoining Christian culture still makes me hyperventilate; which is ironic seeing how what I am now doing post-graduation is going to different church communities to teach and lead congregations in contemplative and creative prayer forms. *smile* That’s not the core issue anyway.  The thing is, more and more I see all the cathedrals of theology that have been built around God and I just can’t seem to swallow it anymore, which floors me due to the amount of wonder and awe I used to find in it all. 

If I am honest (which I tend to be to a fault) I look at humanity and know that we can’t know anything for certain.  After all, we are not Gods but only mammals of medium size and questionable skill at seeing the bigger picture in anything.  In most ways I would say we really have no clue.  I think it is just as possible for the whole of Evangelical Christology to be true as for Buddhism to be true.  I don’t say that in a negative sort of way, where I doubt all of it.  I say that in a more overblown sense of humility way.  I don’t know, nor do I think it’s really possible to know!  There are so many possibility’s and who am I, or anyone else for that matter, to have any authority to say one way or another.  

There is the authority of the historical church to speak to Christianity’s/Jesus’s/God’s power to transform.  But there are other historical religious traditions that have the same thing.  I know full well the power of scripture to transform, but I have seen other scriptures transform people as well.  My own experience of the Divine has been so powerful that some who know me would say I am a mystic.  But I have friends who have had the same experience of the Divine outside the Christian tradition. 

I guess what it comes down to is that I am just so overwhelmed by my lack of confidence in humanity’s/my fumbling attempts at understanding and defining God.   I am at the point where I still have faith that there is a divine something and that I have experienced it first hand, but I don’t know what that means anymore.”

Within a few months of writing that I let the last of my belief in the existence of God go. To say this came with a ton of evaluating and processing and paradigm shifts (look at me and my fancy words!) is an EPIC understatement. This is not just a shift in beliefs but an entire world view that colors every aspect of life.  And sure I was scared (OK, more like terrified at times… which really only pointed at how much fear underlies everything Christianity subtly teaches one to believe.) but I was also relishing in the intensity of the challenge.  What a surprise.

Hear is the thing though, when you tell people you are no longer a Christian they want to know “what you are now”.  I didn’t have a great answer for that.  Months later (2014) in effort to explain myself to a friend during one of our regular Hot Tub “cut the Bull Shit” sessions I described my situation like this:

“I am rather loath to say “I am an atheist”.  At least out loud. There are a lot of reasons why. One being that there is a lot of baggage attached to that word, especially in the Christian world. But mostly it’s because saying “I am” is to imply everything else “I am not”.  It’s also rather permanent sounding.

Instead I would rather say “I am trying on atheism” like a sturdy leather boot.  After walking around in it for a while I will be able to decide if it fits well, if it has good tread, and if I want to keep wearing it. 

Or I could say “I am a practicing atheist”.  A new world view or way of thinking takes time to learn, like an instrument.  New habits take time; old habits die hard.  And after giving it a long while I will either become a Jedi Master who can take on apprentices, or not.  I might realize it’s just not something I am good at and move on.  Or perhaps it is a good practice for me here and now, but not necessarily later.  I don’t know.  I am still traveling and can’t see the end yet.

~ The Answer to What I Am Now ~

Eventually I gained some more clarity and here is where I landed.  At least as of now (2019). 

Intellectually I am an Agnostic.  There might be a god, or gods, or some conscious other being…. Or there might not be.  Who am I to say?!  And I don’t judge others for their beliefs either cause who am I to judge.

Spiritually I am a practicing Atheist.  Atheism simply says: “There is no conscious being in charge of the universe.  We are monkeys, monkeying along, and life’s own purpose is to live and reproduce.  And we use science and curiosity to learn about the reality around us. That’s it.  Do with it what you will.”  I. Love. This. So. Hard.  It requires less silliness and creates less trauma.  Its more willing to change as we learn more about the complex universe/ecology/relational/psychological systems we live in. It evolves and adjusts when mistakes are perceived and wrong assumptions are challenged, which is more honest and has more integrity than any religion I have encounter so far. Atheism also provides a way for me to continue peeling away the indoctrination, theology, and habits that were so ingrained in me. 

Some say that I just swapped one religion for another.  I was taught in church that Atheism has its basis in faith, just as any other belief system.  But If atheism is a religion then bald is a hair color.  And since atheism rings truer for me than anything else I have encountered I am going to use it as my chosen frame work to view the world.

Philosophically I am probably a Humanist. (Another super dirty word in the Church… ) Google says Humanism is “an outlook or system of thought attaching prime importance to humans rather than divine or supernatural matters. Humanist beliefs stress the potential value and goodness of human beings, emphasize common human needs, and seek solely rational ways of solving human problems.”

One thing that has remained from my religious days is that I am still a contemplative. But instead of prayer and confession, the tools I use for self-reflection, meditation and transformation are the Tarot (I will post on that latter to help clarify for those who think its all woo-woo.), Labyrinths, the Enneagram, Sacral-Cranial work, writing, art, and whatever my Therapist tells me to do. *wink*

I am sure I will change it up again at some point.  Or not.  Either way I am at peace with it all.

So there yall go… that’s what “I am now”.