Therapy Homework
I am currently in two types of therapy to try and treat my Trichotillomania and Morsicatio Buccarum. This is part of a log I am keeping to help in the process. To start at the beginning click here.
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When I walked away from my religion, I experienced an intense freedom that is difficult to put into words. As part of my de-conversion I took everything I was taught growing up, everything that was subtly insinuated, implied, and demonstrated, and lay it all out on the table to sort, evaluate and then choose to keep or jettison. It was honest. Real. Liberating.
There were a lot of beliefs that were easy to let go of, stuff that I never fully bought into to begin with. If it was a teaching that ultimately demonized, hated, or judged another person/people I usually gave it a bit of side eye and moved on. Even as a child. Some beliefs took some time and wrestling to eventually release. Stuff like ethics and values and what do I believe about generosity, kindness, justice, truthfulness, goodness… This pile of beliefs took about two years to really finish sorting. Some of which I kept, although slightly altered. (Generosity is a good practice and makes both myself and the world a better place). And some I ditched. (God-or something outside ourselves-gives us our purpose for life.) It was actually quite fun figuring out what I wanted to replace those beliefs with; what seemed more true or loving.
Then there are those beliefs that are still deeply embedded. This is the stuff that is etched into my bones. I so desperately don’t like believing this stuff but I can’t seem to shake it. And the worst part is I don’t know how far down this rabbit hole of beliefs goes. I keep uncovering things with my CBT Therapist that make so little sense, but that I cling too like my life depends on it.
These are the beliefs that drove me to start ignoring my body, something which I became so good at that I no longer notice pain unless it is overwhelming. No joke, in in my Neurofeedback assessment we found out that I literally shut down that part of my brain. These are the beliefs that cause so much subsurface anxiety that from an early age I would chew the inside of my cheek until it bled, and later in life added pulling out my hair, in order to self sooth. This is the stuff I am working on with my therapist.
Here is the short list of the beliefs that I am currently working on in order to become healthy (Sadly this really is the short list and it is so nuanced its terrifying):
Emotions are bad, illogical, fickle, and not to be trusted. To be emotional is to be pathetic, weak and annoying.
Being female is shameful. Specifically, being female is to be weak (bad), emotional (read above), silly (immature and annoying) and selfish (evil).
Anything I do for myself is selfish. I can always take less and give more. ALWAYS. So I have no excuse. Selfishness is the lowest state of humanness possible and to be avoided at all costs.
I am not allowed to have power (because I am female and therefor unworthy), and if I want or seek it I am selfish and disgusting (See above).
To make up for my femaleness, I have to obey, please, support and serve in order to be considered good, valuable, and worthy of acceptance and love.
My body hates me, as demonstrated by the chronic pain and continual problems I have. Which means I am weak, needy, and by default selfish.
You will notice that all these are beliefs about myself. About my very existence. The catch is that if I stop believing all that stuff I will become less than lovable; I will become worse than scum.
I also noticed that these are the beliefs that hit me from all directions growing up, not just the church. There are lots of ways the Christian Church and Western culture mingle, and nothing is so embedded in both as the Patriarchy is. *sigh* The sheer force and volume of how I was being taught these things overwhelmed my inner bullshit detector and I was all but lost.
This is what I am working on with my Therapist. Talking about it, making lists, writing about it, it all helps me gain perspective. I also think that in a similar way to choosing different beliefs about ethics and values, I also need to actively find alternate beliefs to replace these nastier ones. I can’t just stop believing, I need to find something that feels truer and more loving to believe in.
So here goes my first attempt. They are probably not as progressive as they could be. Baby steps.
Evolutionary femaleness is neutral. Social femaleness is imaginary.
Emotions are an important part of our physiology. They are what make me human and life worth living. Emotions are part of another type of intelligence, that of intuition. *Addendum: In the two weeks I have been sitting on this post I have added that Emotions give life depth.
Beauty is not silly but necessary. Beauty helps us breath, to cope, and opens us to wonder.
Taking care of my own being needs to be my first priority, otherwise I am useless to the world and people around me. This includes taking care of my body, mind, emotions, and soul. As best as I can, do no harm. *Addendum: My health is important for its own sake and is not dependent on how it serves others/the world in order to make it so.
My very nature is naturally powerful in certain ways, with no judgements attached. It’s not that I have power, but how I use it that matters.
I am just as valuable as any other creature that exists.
My body is made up of the messed up genetics that I inherited. But it is still breathing, beating, moving and existing, so it can’t be doing that bad.
I will hold these close, and revise as necessary. I will remind myself of these when I doubt. I will ask those I love to whisper these into my ear when old habits take over. I will etch these new beliefs over the top of the old ones, like a beautiful tattoo over the top of painful scars.
