Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
I am currently in two types of therapy to try and treat my Trichotillomania and Morsicatio Buccarum. This is part of a log I am keeping to help in the process. To start at the beginning click here.
I love to know the why to things. I am a sucker for deep introspection and honest accounting. I have practiced many forms of meditation, contemplation and self-reflection over the years; starting from within the Christian Church tradition and eventually evolving more broadly and less dogmatically in those forms. So you would think I would be super into therapy.
NOPE.
The problem is that I think most emotions are stupid. And crying is, like, so not ok, on so many levels. And my damn CBT Therapist keeps making me cry. *sigh* So of course, this is now something I am also working on in Therapy.
But let me back up a bit. I started Cognitive Behavior Therapy a few months ago. As I began this I also started reading two books, A Symphony of the Brain by Jim Robbins* and The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Volk*. Both look at the emerging science behind Nuerofeedback, EMDR and the like to treat a whole number of things… including anxiety and depression. As a result of what I learned I have decided to also start Nuerofeedback as a compliment to my other Therapy. So when I talk about my CBT Therapist I am talking about the lovely lady who makes me talk about things I didn’t know I needed to talk about, but that I very obviously need to talk about. And when I refer to my Brain Therapist I am talking about the awesome lady who attaches electrodes to my head and makes me do Jedi mind tricks. I will talk more about the brain part in a future post.
So back to the CBT. I need a road map. If I don’t have something more than a vague end goal in mind I will get frustrated. So here is my list of questions I want to start piecing together the answers too.
First Question: Why I do these things? Why did I need, and still do need, to self sooth, and why did I turn to these destructive actions to do so? (FYI, most of the time I do not realize I am pulling or chewing. It’s a subconscious action. This is common for BFRBs.)
So far I have found four possible directions to explore.
1. I experienced trauma and don’t remember it.
2. I experienced something that was not trauma but my brain perceived it as such and reacted accordingly.
3. Through epigenetics I inherited trauma (Seriously, look up epigenetics if you have not heard of it. It is fascinating!).
4. The trauma was something that built up over time. Like death from a thousand paper cuts.
I feel like I can look at myself and my life through these lenses to help decipher the puzzle. And so far, 8ish session in, my gut tells me its more the latter two.
Second Question: Is this connected to my depression (which is connected, if not a result of, low hormone production)? Or are they just separate things with separate reasons?
This question pokes at wanting to know if there is a deeper, root issue and if it is a physical issue or a mental one. But I think this will make a difference in answering the last, and arguably the most important question.
Third Question: What do I need to do to return to healthy?
So far the answer is too keep going to my therapist, try Neurofeedback, and be open. I can do that.
Here is to doing hard things. Here is to searching for honest answers.
*I recommend both these books, but honestly, I had to skim at some points. A Symphony of the Brain by Jim Robbins is an easier read, and dives deep into the soap opera esk drama of how the field of Nuerofeedback evolved through the second half of the last century. the focus is on using Nuerofeedback to treat ADHD and eventually a whole slew of other things. It was revised in 2008, and I wish there were another revision, as a lot of progress has happened since and science is catching back up with it now. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Volk is THICK. It focuses more EMDR, starting with how it was used to treat PTSD and how over time both the definition of trauma and how to treat it has broadened.
(For more info on BFRB’s there is a really great foundation called the TLC Foundation with loads of information, support, and research.)
